Since bin Laden’s body was allegedly dumped (excuse me, buried) at sea the conspiracy theories have begun. Proponents of these theories are obviously referred to as “Deathers.” Here are some of the juicier stories floating around: 1) Bin Laden was caught two years ago but his body was frozen so his death could be announced at … Continue reading
Yesterday the Arizona state legislature passed a new law requiring that all candidates for president be circumcised and provide a certificate to that effect. If they are unable to offer said certificate they will have to undergo an inspection before the Arizona Surgeon General to prove that they have in fact been clipped. The bill requiring candidates to expose … Continue reading
The latest trend among locavores is to only eat food that was raised humanely and grown within 10 miles of their cutlery drawer. These actions will help promote local farms and ease the pollution created by transporting food thousands of miles to its final destination. This sounds all well and fine but now we are witnessing a wave of … Continue reading
It seems our friends across the Atlantic have taken notice of plans to build a mosque near Ground Zero in lower Manhattan. Nigel Blite-Lillywistle, spokesman for Prime Minister David Cameron, recently announced, “we feel it is horrendous to allow people who may look like the perpetrators of 9/11 to be permitted to build a terrorism center … Continue reading
One of the nation’s most famous former Klansmen, Robert Byrd of West Virginia, will lie in repose in the United States Senate chambers today. Among Byrd’s achievements were filibustering the 1964 Civil Rights Act and voting against the Supreme Court nomination of Thurgood Marshall. He was also known for having over 30 taxpayer funded public works named for … Continue reading
With the Watergate scandal President Richard Nixon introduced a new phrase into the American lexicon. Henceforth all scandals would have the word “gate” appended to them. Since then we have had Monicagate, Iran Contragate, Nannygate, Troopergate, etc. Even pseudo scandals such as Climategate were not safe from the gate moniker. However Nixon was an underachiever compared to George … Continue reading
When I was growing up I used to love the ominous public service announcement that would appear on TV just before the nightly news. A deep voice would intone, “It’s 10 PM, do you know where your children are?” Mostly I was just jealous of those obviously derelict kids who were out at the un-Godly hour of 10 … Continue reading
Look Ma, no hands In an effort to fight impending water shortages and help contribute to a cleaner planet, the Environmental Protection Agency is mandating the installation of waterless water fountains in all federal buildings. EPA spokeswoman Carrie Nowicki said, “we have already installed flushless urinals in many of our buildings and the water savings have been tremendous. I’ve personally never used … Continue reading
Sometimes I just need a break from all the politics: Thanks to The Huffington Post for these headlines
American Airlines announced today that they will install pay slots on the rest room doors for flights of less than two hours. Rumor is that flight attendants will more agressively offer free water to increase the airline’s restroom revenue from people needing more pee time. According to Todd Shipley, the airline’s Supervisor of Hygienic In-air Technology, “People have … Continue reading
