Since bin Laden’s body was allegedly dumped (excuse me, buried) at sea the conspiracy theories have begun. Proponents of these theories are obviously referred to as “Deathers.” Here are some of the juicier stories floating around:
1) Bin Laden was caught two years ago but his body was frozen so his death could be announced at the right time to help Obama’s sagging approval ratings.
2) The mission was delayed a day so news of it would preempt Celebrity Apprentice. Obama to The Donald: Do you feel lucky, punk?
3) Joe Biden encouraged the mission so he could have his picture taken in the White House Situation Room and appear Vice-Presidential.
4) Pakistani authorities profess no knowledge of bin Laden living in the compound saying they thought the reclusive owner was Tupac.
5) If you watch the tape of the mission the actions coincide exactly with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. (LP version)
6) In a sandy knoll on the far side of the compound there appears a fuzzy image of an unknown gunman.
7) If the mission report is played backwards it chants repeatedly “osamaobamaosamaobama”
8) Dick Cheney sneeringly denies rumors that the compound once served as his undisclosed location. (But in a totally unprovoked awkward moment he oddly claimed that the initials D.C. after Washington do in fact stand for Dick Cheney.)
9) In previous videos bin Laden is seen firing his AK-47 left-handed but when he was attacked he returned fire right-handed. This has led to rumors that the man killed was actually a replacement for the real bin Laden who died eight years ago in a car accident. Kookookoochoo.
10) Bush never aggressively pursued bin Laden because they were both members of the Skull & Bones Society and it would have been bad form to do so.
11) The supposed death photo of bin Laden is a fake that was downloaded by CIA operatives from Flickr. Bin Laden is still alive and living the life of a contented retiree in Boca del Vista.
12) The killing of bin Laden caused Apple to suspend sales of its “How to find bin Laden” app.
13) With bin Laden’s killing, Keith Richards reclaims the #1 spot in “Next Celebrity to Die” office pools.
14) The address of bin Laden’s compound is the same as the serial number on Obama’s recently released birth certificate. I knew the whole messy situation would eventually tie back to the Birthers.
If you hear of any other Deather rumors please let me know.