Really?, Satire

Let the bin Laden death conspiracy theories begin

Since bin Laden’s body was allegedly dumped (excuse me, buried) at sea the conspiracy theories have begun. Proponents of these theories are obviously referred to as “Deathers.” Here are some of the juicier stories floating around:

1) Bin Laden was caught two years ago but his body was frozen so his death could be announced at the right time to help Obama’s sagging approval ratings.

2) The mission was delayed a day so news of it would preempt Celebrity Apprentice. Obama to The Donald: Do you feel lucky, punk?

3) Joe Biden encouraged the mission so he could have his picture taken in the White House Situation Room and appear Vice-Presidential.

4) Pakistani authorities profess no knowledge of bin Laden living in the compound saying they thought the reclusive owner was Tupac.

5) If you watch the tape of the mission the actions coincide exactly with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. (LP version)

6) In a sandy knoll on the far side of the compound there appears a fuzzy image of an unknown gunman.

7) If the mission report is played backwards it chants repeatedly “osamaobamaosamaobama”

8) Dick Cheney sneeringly denies rumors that the compound once served as his undisclosed location. (But in a totally unprovoked awkward moment he oddly claimed that the initials D.C. after Washington do in fact stand for Dick Cheney.)

9) In previous videos bin Laden is seen firing his AK-47 left-handed but when he was attacked he returned fire right-handed. This has led to rumors that the man killed was actually a replacement for the real bin Laden who died eight years ago in a car accident. Kookookoochoo.

10) Bush never aggressively pursued bin Laden because they were both members of the Skull & Bones Society and it would have been bad form to do so.

11) The supposed death photo of bin Laden is a fake that was downloaded by CIA operatives from Flickr. Bin Laden is still alive and living the life of a contented retiree in Boca del Vista.

12) The killing of bin Laden caused Apple to suspend sales of its “How to find bin Laden” app.

13) With bin Laden’s killing, Keith Richards reclaims the #1 spot in “Next Celebrity to Die” office pools.

14) The address of bin Laden’s compound is the same as the serial number on Obama’s recently released birth certificate. I knew the whole messy situation would eventually tie back to the Birthers.

If you hear of any other Deather rumors please let me know.

About Michael

This blog has a mix of some of my main interests in life: travel, politics, food and generally being a curmudgeon. Enjoy.


3 thoughts on “Let the bin Laden death conspiracy theories begin

  1. If you play “Louie Louie” backward, you can hear Obama and Osama planning the “death.”

    The first episode of this season’s “America’s Next Supermodel” shows a wannabe contestant in the background (6’6″, full beard) holding a sign that says “May 1, 2011. Save the date.”

    Secret White House footage shows Donald Trump sneaking into the Oval office in full disguise and ordering Bin Laden’s death, while the real Obama is in his private quarters, studying the Koran.

    Posted by lifeintheboomerlane | May 3, 2011, 1:32 pm
  2. I never believed that “District of Columbia” nonsense. Rock on, Dick!

    Posted by LSS | May 3, 2011, 2:36 pm

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