Humor, Really?, Satire

EPA to mandate waterless water fountains

Look Ma, no hands

In an effort to fight impending water shortages and help contribute to a cleaner planet, the Environmental Protection Agency is mandating the installation of waterless water fountains in all federal buildings. EPA spokeswoman Carrie Nowicki said, “we have already installed flushless urinals in many of our buildings and the water savings have been tremendous. I’ve personally never used one, I’m more of a squatter myself,  but the men tell me they work great.”  

This fact was confirmed by Stew Leonard, a high school intern in the EPA’s Sanitary Works Department. According to Stew, “with the old urinals whenever you flushed it some of the water would splatter on my khakis so usually I never bothered. But with the new ones it’s like totally hands free. You just do your business and walk away.”         

Spokeswoman Nowicki said they will build on the success of the flushless urinals by experimenting with a new product developed by Gerber, the Geyser 2000, a waterless water fountain. “We at the EPA are all concerned about global warming and saving the planet. With the recent runaway brake problems at Toyota many of us are turning in our Priuses and felt we just needed to do something to give back to our planet. According to figures from the 2010 census, many people don’t realize it’s the only one we have.”         

The Geyser 2000 waterless water fountain


Like the flushless urinal, the Geyser 2000 looks and feels like its water wasting peers. The only difference is it is completely dry. According to Gerber regional sales director Wally Pipp, “It definitely takes some getting used to but once you’ve used it a few times it seems like the same old water fountain. Best of all it is germ-free.  Many of our customers have come back to buy more. I guess some of that may be due to the EPA mandate to install them in all new federal buildings.” The Gerber factory just relocated to West Virginia, the home state of Sen. Robert Byrd who wrote the new federal mandate. They’ve been working double shifts to keep up with demand.        

The new fountains are cheaper to install because there is need for plumbing or a drain to catch unused water because there isn’t any. Plus they can be installed anywhere there is a flat surface. The Geyser 2000 is part of the new Hug Our Planet line of environmentally sensitive products being developed by Gerber. All in all this is a win-win for consumers and the planet.

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About Michael

This blog has a mix of some of my main interests in life: travel, politics, food and generally being a curmudgeon. Enjoy.


One thought on “EPA to mandate waterless water fountains

  1. Waterless fountains will be great for the imagination if they are installed at Longwood Gardens in lieu of their Dancing Waters exhibit. We can all oooh and aaah at the imaginary fountain display and we won’t have to worry about getting wet. What a treat!

    Posted by Mickey Finn | February 26, 2010, 12:16 pm

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